It occurred to me, some weeks ago, when I was biking home after a morning spent at a coffee shop writing, how hard we are sometimes on ourselves for not knowing in the past what we know today.

“Didn’t you see it coming?” we would sometimes get asked by other people when we share a story of mistrust. Or, “Were there any red flags? How come you did not see them?”

As if betrayal that one may experience in a relationship with somebody else (be it partner, friend, colleague, etc.) was something normal, something we should have expected. As if we’re the ones to blame that the other person misused our trust because, well, we did not think about this scenario in the first place.

We all do that. Without even realizing it, we put a blame on the person who got hurt. When we are the ones hurting, we naturally blame ourselves.

But could we really know? Could we really see it coming?

As if blaming ourselves or those in hurt wasn’t quite enough, we then go ever further. We start searching for reasons why somebody acted this or that way. Like this would somehow justify their actions or magically ease our pain.

It's not how it works...

I listened to Najwa Zebian, the author of the book Welcome Home, addressing this very issue. She had a fair point (and I’m paraphrasing here):  

Aren’t trust, honesty, and commitment the very foundations why we enter relationships to begin with? Aren’t those the very reasons why we have decided to spend our time with this or that person, start a joint business, perhaps even build a life with them? Aren’t those core values just a projection of who we are and how we want to show up in a relationship?

So why, she asks, do we blame ourselves for not knowing any other way—but to trust and be honest and committed?

It's interesting how as soon we stop taking responsibility for other people’s actions and remain true to our core values and beliefs, suddenly, everything shifts. As Zebian would say, we finally arrive home.

So perhaps, for once, we should stop blaming ourselves or the ones who got hurt (however unintentionally!) for "not seeing it” or “not expecting it." For that would only mean abandoning ourselves; our own truth about who we are and how we want to show up—both for ourselves and others.

Kindly,

Neva.