Somewhat randomly, I’ve been going through the pages of the book that I (also somewhat randomly) found at a local library called Kierkegaard and the Problem of Self-Love written by John Lippitt. (Note: Søren Kierkegaard is one of the most famous Danish philosophers of all times, so hence, where my curiosity came from.)

I have stumbled upon this conversation by Robert M. Adams (another philosopher) about self-love being intertwined with the good for community:

“Self-love can be positively rather than negatively related to community. Fully accepting my own membership in a good community involves accepting my own good as a project, both as a common project of the community and as part of the common good. At the same time my good is a project that a good community regards, and expects me to regard, as mine to care about in a special way (though not necessarily more than about the good of others or in insolation from the good of others). Being willing to be special to myself in this way is appropriately responsive to my place in communities (not to mention my place in the universe). This is relatively unalienated and unselfish way of taking my own good as a project. Are you tempted to feel guilty (as some people do) about ever pursuing your own good when it competes at all with the good of others? Then ask yourself whether you really think a society that did not have your good too as part of a common project would be an excellent society.” — Robert A. Adams

It's a provocative idea since we usually don't think about self-love in relation to others. More often than not, we tend to believe that self-love is a selfish, or rather self-centered, act that doesn't have to do anything with people around us, let alone has a possibly positive impact on them.

Adams' perspective can help ease the expectations we put on ourselves in that regard; for instance, it can make us feel less guilty when we do engage in the practice of self-love.

Because, let's admit it, we all feel a sense of guilt when we do something loving and kind just for ourselves from time to time. As if there were only two options: we can choose ourselves (and are therefore very selfish) or we can choose others (and are therefore generous and selfless, like we were "supposed" to be). An either-or option, with no room in between.

So yes, there is certainly some comfort in knowing that there is another side to this...

While thinking of self-love as a community project (in a larger societal context, at least) can sound a bit extreme, I do believe it can be a wonderful way to embrace the idea of self-love as doing something good for others at a more local level—that is, in our own little circles of people who we cherish and love. ‍

"Healing myself, I've come to learn, is the greatest gift that I can offer my children, friends, and family," I read some months ago. These were the words shared by a Japanese yoga and meditation teacher, Mae Yoshikawa, who unexpectedly lost her husband in an accident. She is now a single mom to two small boys, making her living from running what became a hugely popular yoga studio in the middle of Tokyo.

I love this example because it illustrates that self-love (in a form of healing, self-care, or else) is so much more than just showing up for yourself. It is showing up for yourself, so that you can be of greater service to the people around you.

And perhaps, in that sense, it truly is just that—a gift.

Kindly,

Neva.